Drifting

In Memoriam II

Sometimes I am whispering your name... When nobody can hear me, when I am hidden in my rooms, in cold walls around which there is no one for miles...
It is not that I miss you... I ran away from the moments without you, holding you as before.. Then, I aloud myself just to breath nearby you without words, and my body is healing from the alien's touchings, kisses of a strangers in whom I was devotedly looking for you... although I knew in advance - you were in none of them.
I wish then to disintegrate, that my ash spills till nonrecognition, to stay in that breathing forever... Close to you...
I ask myself why I had to meet you.. Why you had to leave me.. Why I do not know how to walk alone, my steps are stumbling, my knees are scratched from fallings and repeated up-standings, from tryings to stand up, vainly..
You wont give me your hand, wont ask me how I am, just one forgive me and your conscious is peaceful? Is there.. Is there a justice for those who went by wrong path by their own will, knowingly what they are doing.. It is bitter the taste of your skin under my fingers.. I do not blame you for anything..
Just I want more of you.. Just I ve seen no dawn since that night in which we parted, when I hadn't even a presentment of its determination.. How many months I needed to realize that? Maybe I still did not.. My darling.. My love.. My... I was not telling you that at the beginning.. Since I was, like I ve cursed us.. Of course you are not mine, but still you are.. My love.. Will anyone of us three succeed to be happy again? Me, I don't think so...

written on 18th of May 2005.