Life

Is really a strange thing... Like we can learn the most when we are almost defeated but not given up.. In the beginning of my journey, all I wanted is to become a better person.. person who will be able to love more, to give more, to be more positive, whose thoughts will be refreshing, optimistic, supportive, whose acts will become unselfish, and the goal, the goal of my searching was the one and only unconditioned Love.. Not only in theory, but in true and everyday Life... I went into dark room of my soul, and the journey began.. It was about 17 years ago.. I was on the edge then, in my late teen years, to become completely closed, because things I saw in the world were too wrong, too aggressive, too lacked of understanding, too much with no good will.. Instead of doing that, I ve turned inside.. Is there in me that what I would like to see around me? Am I myself capable of living such life that is worth of living? Can a man be really Free, free to be who he is?

And I went trough my mistakes.. The biggest one is, that I ve searched for this kind of divine love within the relationships I was involved in.

I remember the nights when I felt I have to follow my own way no matter what, as the most progressive nights in my life, when I felt I am doing the right thing even it is painful for me in the moment, when I was giving up from the things or persons I was holding onto too strong.. The nights of transformation, that is how I ve called it..

Long time no see, like.. I feel, the new period in my life is about to come.
After nine years of relationship to my husband, we came to a point where we cannot continue like we did anymore. He wants a family, children and stuff, and I want to transform our relationship into spiritual one, to see are we capable of going tru if become more open, to other people the most.. I am very curious what would happen, wanted that many years ago but I was always too afraid we could lose each other.

I am 37 soon.. In a life of a woman those years are hard.. Why this change came to me now? How is that, I cannot just close my eyes and walk away? And chose to keep the man I love, and a family with him, instead of going into unknown, alone?

We are not young any-more, if this happened ten years ago it would be easier.. But it didn't.
It s been a year now, that I am waiting for him to make a decision to go with me, so that we can do thing he wants as well.. suggesting a win-win situation.. It would be so great, but he is not interested in that. I have to admit I went tru' hell these late months, wondering what to do.

It came to me, yesterday.. That, once again, I have to go my way.. no matter what will happen, no matter what he will decide.. no matter how much I love him, no matter I stay alone.. Because, this is not connected with others, this has to do with me, with my going through my own fears, my own weaknesses, and if not now, when? When will be the better time? Is there the best time to free ourselves?

Now is always the best time...


To reconnect with my own soul..
To come to my roots again..
To follow where Life in its wisdom is leading me, and to trust him..

Still I am praying for us to survive..