In Memoriam

Sometimes I feel his fragrance.. It winds around me like a fog, memory of his presence, of his mild smile and love that was radiating from his eyes while he was looking at me.. Some unstoppable fog, very fine and penetrating like radiation.. It goes through my skin, comes into the smallest cell of my heart, into drops of blood that are running through my veins, it overflows my thoughts with the soft note of his voice, his touch..
I am wondering, sometimes, did that really happen.. Maybe it was all just a glimpse of a song of some forgotten tribe from the North.. Maybe it was all just a poetry, folded over reality as a part of some different world, slightly opened, on an inappropriate, forbidden way..
Is that important?
Is it really important if the game was fair or not, by the rules set by someone else but us, someone who didn't ask if we agree. Would I do it all over again, or I'd run away strongly guiding thick walls of this stone tower into which inner space no one had access. Nobody. Until him. Then.

I had no chance. Why am I smiling while thinking of that...

It was too beautiful...
Too real, more real then a life, it seems. That beauty didn't ask for approval, didn't need an excuse, didn't condition anything, it just WAS, radiating like the Sun.. Who could resist it..
And yet if it was a dream, maybe it was my dream, and I have dreamed it till the end.. I wanted that, I chose that I want, that is why my heart is peaceful now, and there is no repentance in it, or accusation for anything.. Maybe only thankfulness.. Although it is hard now.. Even, not that hard any more..

written on 17th of March, 2005.


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