We (inside thoughts)

we are passing each other

while our shadows tangle..

Spirits

They say, I've heard
that after two people are making love
their spirits left tangled
for the next seven years
after their bodies separate..

I do not know how many years they stay gathered
if those two are in love at the same time
but I hope in two years
I will become forever free
from you
inside me..




photo: sadness
by Lavinia

You know?

there is no day
that i do not think of you..

sometimes just the smell in the air seems familiar, reminds me of
moments when i was breathing your presence

sometimes it is the touch of the usb rope
that u gave me with all those videos on it

sometimes i look at myself and remember
this red sweater was given to me by you

did i ever tell you i love to wear it
on my naked skin
it feels so good knowing it was once
carried by your hands..

sometimes it is just something you said to me
that i notice it echoes within me

sometimes, it is ur smile in my mind
the fire in your eyes the darkness of ur
beautiful soul..

i hear..
u moved on..
u have another son..
u r happy with her
she is in good relationship
with ur ex wife
and your three kids
it makes u satisfied

is it true?
i have no idea
why i doubt that...

i want to believe u moved away from that cursed place where
we loved each other
as i am fully aware it is the past
that five years of dust
covered diligently

yet,
u are still in my heart
and somehow, sometimes
i know i am still in yours...




Photo: Salvador Dali: Persistence of Memory, 1931.

fact that i love you means nothing

if I cannot touch your face
and look deeply into your eyes
travelling through your soul
into depths where no one yet
has come

if I cannot lay my hand
onto yours and hold your fingers a while
feeling the flow that is connecting us
even when we are miles apart
from each other

if I cannot embrace you around your hips
slowly crawling my fingers under your shirt
to feel the destroyable
tenderness of your skin
like before


ps.


...
where is she?

Facing the truth

In which part of me do you live
when you can get me like this
still???


...
i guess it came the killin' time



Since we're feeling so anesthetised
In our comfort zone
Reminds me of the second time
That I followed you home

We're running out of alibis
From the second of May
Reminds me of the summer time
On this winter's day

See you at the bitter end
See you at the bitter end

Every step we take that's synchronized
Every broken bone
Reminds me of the second time
That I followed you home

You shower me with lullabies
As you're walking away
Reminds me that it's killing time
On this fateful day

See you at the bitter end
See you at the bitter end
See you at the bitter end
See you at the bitter end

From the time we intercepted
Feels more like suicide...

See you at the bitter end

Evocation...

Photo by Jorisss.

My body still didn't forget you...

Your hands are still sleeping in the smell of my skin...

Your voice inside my brain..

Your laugh.. your smile...

Inside me

Forever

Drifting

In Memoriam II

Sometimes I am whispering your name... When nobody can hear me, when I am hidden in my rooms, in cold walls around which there is no one for miles...
It is not that I miss you... I ran away from the moments without you, holding you as before.. Then, I aloud myself just to breath nearby you without words, and my body is healing from the alien's touchings, kisses of a strangers in whom I was devotedly looking for you... although I knew in advance - you were in none of them.
I wish then to disintegrate, that my ash spills till nonrecognition, to stay in that breathing forever... Close to you...
I ask myself why I had to meet you.. Why you had to leave me.. Why I do not know how to walk alone, my steps are stumbling, my knees are scratched from fallings and repeated up-standings, from tryings to stand up, vainly..
You wont give me your hand, wont ask me how I am, just one forgive me and your conscious is peaceful? Is there.. Is there a justice for those who went by wrong path by their own will, knowingly what they are doing.. It is bitter the taste of your skin under my fingers.. I do not blame you for anything..
Just I want more of you.. Just I ve seen no dawn since that night in which we parted, when I hadn't even a presentment of its determination.. How many months I needed to realize that? Maybe I still did not.. My darling.. My love.. My... I was not telling you that at the beginning.. Since I was, like I ve cursed us.. Of course you are not mine, but still you are.. My love.. Will anyone of us three succeed to be happy again? Me, I don't think so...

written on 18th of May 2005.

Long Ago

Shadows played on the walls
in front and behind the eyes
night filled with the memories
wondering
was it heaven ..or hell
it sounds like hell
a friend of mine told me
but
did she knew you
as I did...

In Memoriam

Sometimes I feel his fragrance.. It winds around me like a fog, memory of his presence, of his mild smile and love that was radiating from his eyes while he was looking at me.. Some unstoppable fog, very fine and penetrating like radiation.. It goes through my skin, comes into the smallest cell of my heart, into drops of blood that are running through my veins, it overflows my thoughts with the soft note of his voice, his touch..
I am wondering, sometimes, did that really happen.. Maybe it was all just a glimpse of a song of some forgotten tribe from the North.. Maybe it was all just a poetry, folded over reality as a part of some different world, slightly opened, on an inappropriate, forbidden way..
Is that important?
Is it really important if the game was fair or not, by the rules set by someone else but us, someone who didn't ask if we agree. Would I do it all over again, or I'd run away strongly guiding thick walls of this stone tower into which inner space no one had access. Nobody. Until him. Then.

I had no chance. Why am I smiling while thinking of that...

It was too beautiful...
Too real, more real then a life, it seems. That beauty didn't ask for approval, didn't need an excuse, didn't condition anything, it just WAS, radiating like the Sun.. Who could resist it..
And yet if it was a dream, maybe it was my dream, and I have dreamed it till the end.. I wanted that, I chose that I want, that is why my heart is peaceful now, and there is no repentance in it, or accusation for anything.. Maybe only thankfulness.. Although it is hard now.. Even, not that hard any more..

written on 17th of March, 2005.