Go.
Spend your life away from me.
I'll be alright.
Perhaps I will think
about un-happened days
forever lost in this
stream of Life.
Perhaps I will grief
for losing the closeness
we shared in our best days.
But I wont miss this.
To be near you
and not to be able
to hear your heart beats.
To be near you
and not to know
your most gentle and secret thoughts.
To be near you
and not to be able to hug you
or kiss you or even laugh with you.
To be near you
and not to be able to tell you
what I dream of
To be near you
and not to share the same vision
nor even
its broken parts.
I'll be al right.
I'll renew my self respect
I ve almost lost
in the past years.
I'll go freely to the world
with the wide open eyes
and believe I am child again.
I'll share my joy for being alive
with the neighbours, strangers, cats
and trees that I am in love with
without fear of to be
misunderstood.
I'll spread my hands and touch the sky
as I'm seeing it the very first time.
I'll hug the Life itself
and allow myself
to be Happy again.
God, I am begging you to forgive me
for the thoughts I will not think
for the things I will not premeditate
for the happenings I will not live
For all un dreamed dreams
for all excursions aside my journey
for the conscious that is roaming sometimes
for everything, for everything, dear God,
I beg you to forgive me.
But God,
I am addressing this prayer to you
not because of your forgiveness
but because of the wish
insatiable
and the blessing of Thee
that i think all that matters
to deliberate of every signal from haven
to experience every invocation of my destiny
to dream away all dreams of my soul
that i never turn aside of your own path
that the conscious be initiated into everything essential
to know myself within the whirlpools of Life
and conceive everything that is possible to know about oneself
for every step on that journey, I am begging you,
bless me, God.
written sometime in 1985.
In Memoriam II
Sometimes I am whispering your name... When nobody can hear me, when I am hidden in my rooms, in cold walls around which there is no one for miles...It is not that I miss you... I ran away from the moments without you, holding you as before.. Then, I aloud myself just to breath nearby you without words, and my body is healing from the alien's touchings, kisses of a strangers in whom I was devotedly looking for you... although I knew in advance - you were in none of them.
I wish then to disintegrate, that my ash spills till nonrecognition, to stay in that breathing forever... Close to you...
I ask myself why I had to meet you.. Why you had to leave me.. Why I do not know how to walk alone, my steps are stumbling, my knees are scratched from fallings and repeated up-standings, from tryings to stand up, vainly..
You wont give me your hand, wont ask me how I am, just one forgive me and your conscious is peaceful? Is there.. Is there a justice for those who went by wrong path by their own will, knowingly what they are doing.. It is bitter the taste of your skin under my fingers.. I do not blame you for anything..
Just I want more of you.. Just I ve seen no dawn since that night in which we parted, when I hadn't even a presentment of its determination.. How many months I needed to realize that? Maybe I still did not.. My darling.. My love.. My... I was not telling you that at the beginning.. Since I was, like I ve cursed us.. Of course you are not mine, but still you are.. My love.. Will anyone of us three succeed to be happy again? Me, I don't think so...
written on 18th of May 2005.
He is very young. 10 years of difference between man and woman is A Lot.
Maybe not now, but.
Why is he doing this to me?
All those messages, charming looks, hidden shakings in his voice..
Why my breathing becomes faster when I hear him, and suddenly I feel like my whole body is vibrating from tip to toes.
He knows me. Enough that I know he knows. And I know he knows I know. So we worked together for over a year.
Very gentle soul, special kind, mixed from sensitivity and strongness. Pure like a soul of a little boy, sincere and nasty. I don't want to lose her, to hurt her. That is why I must not go further. And that is why I always only smile, when everything is clear.
Then he apologizes, cause he was bad. Because he wanted me. You were never bad, I tell him. Not to me.. Is this love, or just lust, how to tell my boyfriend that hormones of another man are running through my body. Those are things that cannot be told. To no one? Maybe to no one.
Yet we did it in our thoughts so many times. Is it a sin? Those pictures, that my lips are touching his lips, soft and gentle, that his hands are caressing my body, that his hips are moving mildly and strongly between my legs, that I am scratching with my nails his back and muscles, that we are one. For that moment, separated from reality, written in eternity.
Isn't it already written in eternity what will happen never? A kiss is not a sin, neighter a making love is a sin, nothing that is love cannot be sin, but a secret is. I know that, and therefore I'm cooling.
And I do not know until when will I be able to..
Maybe not now, but.
Why is he doing this to me?
All those messages, charming looks, hidden shakings in his voice..
Why my breathing becomes faster when I hear him, and suddenly I feel like my whole body is vibrating from tip to toes.
He knows me. Enough that I know he knows. And I know he knows I know. So we worked together for over a year.
Very gentle soul, special kind, mixed from sensitivity and strongness. Pure like a soul of a little boy, sincere and nasty. I don't want to lose her, to hurt her. That is why I must not go further. And that is why I always only smile, when everything is clear.
Then he apologizes, cause he was bad. Because he wanted me. You were never bad, I tell him. Not to me.. Is this love, or just lust, how to tell my boyfriend that hormones of another man are running through my body. Those are things that cannot be told. To no one? Maybe to no one.
Yet we did it in our thoughts so many times. Is it a sin? Those pictures, that my lips are touching his lips, soft and gentle, that his hands are caressing my body, that his hips are moving mildly and strongly between my legs, that I am scratching with my nails his back and muscles, that we are one. For that moment, separated from reality, written in eternity.
Isn't it already written in eternity what will happen never? A kiss is not a sin, neighter a making love is a sin, nothing that is love cannot be sin, but a secret is. I know that, and therefore I'm cooling.
And I do not know until when will I be able to..
How much a soul can stretch
To embrace the Heaven
And comprehend the light of the Stars..
Is really a strange thing... Like we can learn the most when we are almost defeated but not given up.. In the beginning of my journey, all I wanted is to become a better person.. person who will be able to love more, to give more, to be more positive, whose thoughts will be refreshing, optimistic, supportive, whose acts will become unselfish, and the goal, the goal of my searching was the one and only unconditioned Love.. Not only in theory, but in true and everyday Life... I went into dark room of my soul, and the journey began.. It was about 17 years ago.. I was on the edge then, in my late teen years, to become completely closed, because things I saw in the world were too wrong, too aggressive, too lacked of understanding, too much with no good will.. Instead of doing that, I ve turned inside.. Is there in me that what I would like to see around me? Am I myself capable of living such life that is worth of living? Can a man be really Free, free to be who he is?
And I went trough my mistakes.. The biggest one is, that I ve searched for this kind of divine love within the relationships I was involved in.
I remember the nights when I felt I have to follow my own way no matter what, as the most progressive nights in my life, when I felt I am doing the right thing even it is painful for me in the moment, when I was giving up from the things or persons I was holding onto too strong.. The nights of transformation, that is how I ve called it..
Long time no see, like.. I feel, the new period in my life is about to come.
After nine years of relationship to my husband, we came to a point where we cannot continue like we did anymore. He wants a family, children and stuff, and I want to transform our relationship into spiritual one, to see are we capable of going tru if become more open, to other people the most.. I am very curious what would happen, wanted that many years ago but I was always too afraid we could lose each other.
I am 37 soon.. In a life of a woman those years are hard.. Why this change came to me now? How is that, I cannot just close my eyes and walk away? And chose to keep the man I love, and a family with him, instead of going into unknown, alone?
We are not young any-more, if this happened ten years ago it would be easier.. But it didn't.
It s been a year now, that I am waiting for him to make a decision to go with me, so that we can do thing he wants as well.. suggesting a win-win situation.. It would be so great, but he is not interested in that. I have to admit I went tru' hell these late months, wondering what to do.
It came to me, yesterday.. That, once again, I have to go my way.. no matter what will happen, no matter what he will decide.. no matter how much I love him, no matter I stay alone.. Because, this is not connected with others, this has to do with me, with my going through my own fears, my own weaknesses, and if not now, when? When will be the better time? Is there the best time to free ourselves?
Now is always the best time...
To reconnect with my own soul..
To come to my roots again..
To follow where Life in its wisdom is leading me, and to trust him..
Still I am praying for us to survive..
And I went trough my mistakes.. The biggest one is, that I ve searched for this kind of divine love within the relationships I was involved in.
I remember the nights when I felt I have to follow my own way no matter what, as the most progressive nights in my life, when I felt I am doing the right thing even it is painful for me in the moment, when I was giving up from the things or persons I was holding onto too strong.. The nights of transformation, that is how I ve called it..
Long time no see, like.. I feel, the new period in my life is about to come.
After nine years of relationship to my husband, we came to a point where we cannot continue like we did anymore. He wants a family, children and stuff, and I want to transform our relationship into spiritual one, to see are we capable of going tru if become more open, to other people the most.. I am very curious what would happen, wanted that many years ago but I was always too afraid we could lose each other.
I am 37 soon.. In a life of a woman those years are hard.. Why this change came to me now? How is that, I cannot just close my eyes and walk away? And chose to keep the man I love, and a family with him, instead of going into unknown, alone?
We are not young any-more, if this happened ten years ago it would be easier.. But it didn't.
It s been a year now, that I am waiting for him to make a decision to go with me, so that we can do thing he wants as well.. suggesting a win-win situation.. It would be so great, but he is not interested in that. I have to admit I went tru' hell these late months, wondering what to do.
It came to me, yesterday.. That, once again, I have to go my way.. no matter what will happen, no matter what he will decide.. no matter how much I love him, no matter I stay alone.. Because, this is not connected with others, this has to do with me, with my going through my own fears, my own weaknesses, and if not now, when? When will be the better time? Is there the best time to free ourselves?
Now is always the best time...
To reconnect with my own soul..
To come to my roots again..
To follow where Life in its wisdom is leading me, and to trust him..
Still I am praying for us to survive..
I dream you in my nights..
I see your face in my dreams, your heart full of love, your hands tender as a touch of the butterfly. I am walking thru' the strange paths and you always find me.. Our ways are crossing.. People are around us.. Lovely people, clear and pure as a rainbow.. They are the part of our celebration of Life. And we are together.. In our souls, in our spirit, even when we are apart.. There are no conditions, nor a bad word to spoil the transparency of the true unselfish Love.
Awaking sad because that are only dreams.
Because I am so afraid to make a step towards your call.
I see your face in my dreams, your heart full of love, your hands tender as a touch of the butterfly. I am walking thru' the strange paths and you always find me.. Our ways are crossing.. People are around us.. Lovely people, clear and pure as a rainbow.. They are the part of our celebration of Life. And we are together.. In our souls, in our spirit, even when we are apart.. There are no conditions, nor a bad word to spoil the transparency of the true unselfish Love.
Awaking sad because that are only dreams.
Because I am so afraid to make a step towards your call.
You are blackmailing me
you ll leave if I do not do
things your way you know yourself
is wrong.
And I am choosing not to
althou' afraid you ll
fulfil your threat.
It is a beautiful day today
My heart is jumping from joy
and the beauty of the sunshine
on my skin.
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